The days are long, but the years are short
My baby girls. I'm caught between wishing I grew up different, but then again accepting things the way they are because I knew you two needed me as the mommy I am today. I'd like to think it was for nothing. I would love to think it all was "character building", but I need to be less critical of my past, because you guys are not there, the present me struggles. I'm so blessed when I think about it, God gave me two different pieces of myself when you two were born. You complement each other in ways that are truly remarkable - where one may falter, the other excels, creating a harmonious balance that mirrors my own strengths and weaknesses. It is a humbling realization to see them grow and evolve, knowing that they are not only a reflection of me but also a testament to the intricate beauty of life's interconnectedness. Please don't change, my loves. I remember when you were younger (speaking to my oldest) you asked me why you didn't look like your sister, why you guys looked so different, and how it could be possible. I'm not one to have you guys burdened by the immaturities and complexities of my love life. How the simple answer is that you two just have two different dads. How it was just a mistake, and I couldn't change it. But instead, I remember I said, "Don't worry about how you look, I need you both. Your eyes are brown, and your skin is like mine, because you are my sun. I need you to wake me up every morning. You're my light, you keep me warm. Your sister has blue eyes because she is my moon. I need her to help me through the dark. She helps me sleep. See? I need both of you. You both are helping me ok?' Somehow that story stuck. I didn't hear much about it anymore. But when I thought about it, it was true.
I want you to understand that I am constantly learning and far from perfect. The one thing I excel at effortlessly is being in your company, my forever friends. I will accompany you wherever you go, and you are always welcome. You girls are incredibly amusing, intelligent, and unique. I am constantly amazed by your knowledge and thoughts. Like what do you think of me? Do you see the things I am trying to shield you from, am I a good actor when I pretend things are ok and they are not, can you see through my ruse? I'm trying for the sake of giving you and your sister a better every day. I call it "eating mud now, so you can have flowers later".
Since the big move, I notice how you both are thriving, and coming into your interests and your individual hobbies and dreams. Trust me, I am watching. Witnessing your success and contentment makes me increasingly at peace with myself for not providing you with everything you required in the past. It is not your responsibility to suffer for my errors and limitations. You deserve to exist in a realm free from the burden of understanding why, who, what, and when - simply being is enough. Having the ultimate childhood. But at times I stay up at night if I am doing enough so you don't go searching for love in the wrong places and spaces as I did. If one day you don't call this house a home, and you would prefer the company of someone who at the moment makes you feel welcome, disguised as a friend, but knows of your naivety, I forgive you. I can't control everything, but I want you to use me as a tool to go where you need to go and know what it is to know.
Right now, I am journaling as you sleep. Awake thinking of things I would fix before you woke up to notice. Being mommy and daddy hasn't been easy, but let's call it a fair trade. You get two of me, and I get the two of you.
Comments